This installment wastes little to no time in introducing Vader to the mix. I gotta say, the guy’s morning routine looks rough. And what if he has to piss in the middle of the night? That said, it is pretty metal that he hangs out on the same planet where he got high-grounded and turned into a charcoal briquette.
Joking aside, the way Vader was “assembled” before starting his day was just the right amount of gross to get across how absolutely fucked up this guy’s body is. He’s like a dismembered prune!
Our leading duo lands on a desert planet (hooray), but it’s not quite as desert-ey as Tatooine. More like Afghanistan than the Sahara, you know? Also, Obi-Wan fixed Leia’s droid! Good stuff. More wholesome than the Amish.[1]
- Side note: I see you lurking there in the background, R-5. That droid has a bad motivator. I remember an old Robot Chicken bit from back in the day playing on the idea of R-5 just being lazy as hell. My kind of droid.
My prediction last week about Mapuzo being a person was wrong – it’s a “mining system.” How explanatory.[2] I liked the samurai battle-flag style Imperial banners on the hilltops; they helped to sell the vibe of Mapuzo as a place being slowly drained by the Empire’s overreach without slapping ominous black buildings all over the damn place.
I was wondering how they were going to work Hayden Christensen’s handsome mug into this series, given that, in the timeline of the show, he’s been barbequed beyond recognition. Tragic hallucinations to the rescue! It makes me wonder if we’ll have any more prequel-era cameos delivered via the visual manifestations of Obi-Wan’s PTSD?
The Inquisitorial base is suitably creepy, particularly with the murky underwater light cast through those floor-to-ceiling windows. I’m pretty sure[3] it’s the same place as the Inquisitors’ Fortress in Jedi: Fallen Order, which is a neat little tie-in. The Fifth Brother’s “I will get what I deserve” line seems like a setup for Reva to stab him later and say something like “You wanted what you deserve. Here it is.”[4] We’ll see. I hope it doesn’t happen because it’s just so obvious.
It was kind of amusing that Third Sister told her subordinates to send out all the Probe Droids and there’s an epic shot of, like, three of the things leaving the planet. Maybe the Inquisitors are dealing with budget cuts?
Obi-Wan continues to be cynical about the prospect of help actually arriving at the designated meeting place (“No one is coming here, Leia”). As I wrote in my notes during the episode: Yeah, sure, give it five minutes.
(In retrospect, he really should have given it five minutes).
Then things get particularly interesting. I loved this chunk of Part 3: Freck the space-mole seems nice…but is he really?!? That hand-painted (?) Imperial flag on the back of his truck seems to imply otherwise. Well, I guess Imperials can be nice too.[5] Obi-Wan and Leia’s truck ride with Freck (and a squad of stormtroopers he picks up) just oozes tension; the tightrope Kenobi and his young charge are walking with their hastily-concocted backstory, coupled with the threat of lightsaber-and-blaster based violence, renders the scene vaguely Tarantinoesque.[6] I wonder which celebrities are guest-starring under those grimy stormtrooper masks?
The way Leia asked if Obi-Wan was her dad was hilarious (in an adorable way), and his reply that he wished he was warmed my cynical rock of a heart.
Then the trip takes an unfortunate turn – I knew Freck was going to “freck” them over when his truck pulled up at the checkpoint! Eat a bucket of dicks, you mole-faced fascist.
The “Protocol 23” called in by the stormtroopers at the checkpoint sure sounded bad. And man, that probe droid showed up at the worst fucking time…oh, wait, that was Protocol 23, wasn’t it. Looks like it’s Morbin’ t- wait, sorry, different franchise. It’s Kenobin’ time.[7]
If you’re going to pick your own probe-droid mugshot, you could do a lot worse than Obi-Wan did: blaster pointed at the audience like he’s Paulie in Goodfellas, that luscious hair catching the light just so…where was I?
Oh, right. Morbi – fuck. I promise I’ll stop. The checkpoint shootout was a great bit of action, complete with a stormtrooper bisection (trust me, that guy was awful), and Obi-Wan using Freck the fascist space-mole[8] as a human – alien? – shield was almost as ruthless as him casually shooting a bounty hunter in the back in Part 2.
Man, stormtroopers suck. Not only at aiming, but also picking appropriately sized human shields. Pointing a blaster at Lil’ Leia is only going to end one way for you, buddy, and that way is dead.
Then three more stormtroopers show up in a cool-looking little transport thing,[9] along with a crisply-dressed officer played by Game of Thrones’ Indira Varma. I hope her character gets a happier ending in this show, because Ellaria Sand chalked up a lot of L’s during her tenure on Thrones. For whatever reason, Obi-Wan decides to surrender to the newly-arrived stormtroopers (when he really should’ve just starting blasting). Then, in a twist I didn’t see coming, the officer (whose name is later revealed to be Tala) whips out a blaster and guns down her own men. I thought this was perhaps a little too convenient, but the show did a passable job of explaining the situation – both Tala’s presence and her reasons for betraying the Empire .[10]
Part 3 is a bit more laid-back during the following scene – there’s some low-intensity sneaking through town before Obi-Wan and Leia hide out in…some sort of workshop? The camera makes sure we know that Tala’s loader droid is going to get a hero moment later on (that big-ass hammer it was holding while stormtroopers poked around the workshop will hopefully be used to violent effect in a future instalment of the show). The way Tala’s backstory was written was a bit stilted, but Varma’s performance kept it from distracting; that said, I grew increasingly worried about her character’s chances of survival the more she told Obi-Wan (and the audience) about herself. I would have liked to know a bit more about this Underground Railroad-ish organization dedicated to smuggling Jedi to safety that Tala is a part of; right now, it’s just an overly nebulous plot device.
Vader rolls into Mapuzo like your stepdad when he found out you pawned his samurai swords so you could buy JNCO jeans and get a rat-tail haircut.[11] Our guy is force-choking people like he’s getting paid by the neck-snap. Pretty ruthless stuff. The music here is great, and the way it cuts off to the sound of Vader’s breathing right when he looks toward Obi-Wan? Chef’s kiss-level good. For what happens next, I’m going to just refer you to my notes, as written while I watched the episode:
–Obi-Wan running through the silent desert night has me waiting for the red lightsaber to ignite behind him…
-Four seconds later: damn I’m good. I guess Vader was in front of him, but still.
-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA he just fucking runs away. Smart move, but the way it’s shot is really funny. It looks like Obi-Wan jogs behind one gravel pile and then right [back] out from behind it again.
-It would be even funnier if he climbed to the top of one of the piles and made a “high ground” quip.
-He can definitely run faster than Vader, so if he just keeps up at a light jog he should be alright as far as this getaway goes. “You cannot run, Obi-Wan!” “Bro watch me”
Back to the review:
It was pretty obvious that Obi-Wan was kind of screwed as soon as the lightsabers started clashing. Our guy hasn’t practiced in years…and Vader’s been hitting the dojo nonstop, from the looks of it. I figured Tala was definitely doomed when she turned back to help Obi-Wan, but it turns out that fate (or, the showrunners) has more in store for her (specifically, saving Obi-Wan with Loaderbot’s[12] help). Unfortunately, the pair is too late to stop Vader from hosting Comedy Central’s Roast of Obi-Wan Kenobi, leaving our hero with a right arm that’s more well-done than Donald Trump’s steaks. Yikes![13]
Was Tala, Obi-Wan, and Loaderbot’s escape a little too convenient? Yeah, probably, but I’m chalking it up to Vader deciding to play with his food. One could see him feeling pretty confident about the prospect of an ongoing hunt, given the way the cookout went. On top of that, it would make sense for the guy to be a little hesitant to walk through a giant wall of fire, given the fact that his entire body is covered in horrific burn wounds. I wonder if his suit dispenses lotion?[14]
The episode ends with Third Sister catching Leia at the end of the getaway tunnel, having killed the smuggler who was supposed to help our heroes escape Mapuzo. In a way, this is good, because Tala’s still around, and we know that the Third Sister won’t kill Leia.[15] Still, not good news for our heroes…
Score: 8.75/10 (+.25/-1)
Adjusted for Sentimentality: 7/10 (I was way too generous with this one the first time around.)
I’ll try and get some predictions out before the next part of the series airs, but I need a little time to mull this episode over first.
[1] Which, as it turns out, isn’t that hard to do a lot of the time. Go ahead, Amish people, send me an email. You won’t.
[2] I know I’m being unnecessarily nitpicky with this, but such is the critic’s burden. You’re welcome
[3] I’m 99% sure but, as usual, I’m too lazy to google and I don’t want to look like an asshole so I’m hedging my bets. I’m also 99% sure the place is called the “Fortress Inquisitorius,” and, hey, Warhammer 40K called and it wants its nomenclature back.
[4] I know she muttered something along those lines to herself at the end of the scene, but it would be much more obnoxious if she quoted it back at him, no?
[5] Well, the ones that have enough screen time for a face turn, not the faceless goons that get bisected by lasers. Those guys are pricks 100% of the time.
[6] This is a good thing.
[7] Look, I’m still workshopping it, alright?
[8] Played by Punk’d’s own Zach Braff.
[9] That also, coincidentally, seems highly marketable.
[10] That said, it’s a little weird that she’d roll out to meet Obi-Wan with a transport full of stormtroopers, unless she really wanted to kill off some subordinates that day. She’s an officer; you’d think she could just tell them to fuck off.
[11] That is, he’s pissed, but he also brings a little pageantry to the occasion.
[12] Shoutout to Loaderbot from Tales from the Borderlands.
[13] I’m not a steak snob (I get mine medium), but well-done? You don’t want the thing rattling on the plate – that makes it hard to cut!
[14] Don’t answer that.
[15] This is not the Disney Way. Also, you know, the original trilogy. And the sequels.