Are you into Vikings and/or Hamlet? How about films like The Witch and/or The Lighthouse? If you’re even moderately into one of the above, you’ll probably enjoy The Northman, and, even if you aren’t, there’s a good chance you will anyway.

            What I’m saying is that it’s an enjoyable movie, particularly if your interests include the aforementioned. Director Robert Eggers’ previous films demonstrated his talent for crafting engrossing historical stories with an otherworldly edge; while The Northman lacks the horror focus of The Witch and The Lighthouse, it doesn’t need it in the first place. Northman is an adaptation of a classic tale – classic enough that Shakespeare ripped it off – through the lens of a creative filmmaker blessed with a budget to match their vision. Uncle kills main character’s dad; vengeance ensues. But this time, there’s a twist![1]

            Speaking of budget…I feel like Eggers could use a new accountant. Unless the main stars (Alexander Skarsgard[2], Anya Taylor-Joy, Nicole Kidman and Ethan Hawke) are receiving $10+ million each, I’m not entirely certain where that money went. The raid scene early in the film cost a pretty penny, I’m sure, but not enough to account for a $90 million budget when (most of) the rest of the film appears relatively…affordable.[3] Even the part where two dudes duel in a volcano with their dangly bits out couldn’t have run more than $15 million, right? And that’s if they rented out an actual volcano.

            The rugged, windswept hills in the background of many scenes reminded me – in a good way – of 2009’s Valhalla Rising (starring Mads Mikkelsen). They also reminded me a bit of Death Stranding, probably because, you know…it’s all Iceland.

            Oh, yeah, most of the movie takes place on a farm in Iceland. It’s a bit more of a small-scale revenge story than a balls-out Viking plunderpalooza (although, to be fair, there is a fair bit of plundering early on). Plundering isn’t all there is to life, though!

            The film’s strongest suit is its dedication to verisimilitude (or at least a convincing semblance thereof). My favorite parts were Amleth’s drug-induced hallucinations (overseen by a characteristically delightful Willem Dafoe) and a brutal ballgame that plays like a mix of baseball, lacrosse, and wholesale murder.

            There are other set pieces, to be sure, including an impressive single-take berserker raid on an unfortunate village. Those who go into the movie expecting wall-to-wall carnage are bound to be somewhat disappointed, however – The Northman primarily uses bloodshed as punctuation, not as the content of any given sentence (to mangle a perfectly good simile). But the content of those sentences is more than worth seeing in and of itself – Eggers & co. have effectively given a fresh spin to an age-old classic. It’s a slow burn of a story, sure, but more than worth the ride: The Northman is a movie that’s made for the viewer to sink into and immerse themselves in, and it’s made well.

[Bits and pieces – Beware of spoilers!]:

-Nicole Kidman jumping out of the wardrobe with a knife was fucking hysterical. I mean, I know it’s supposed to be a tense scene, but something about the way it was shot just cracked me up. That said, Kidman is the scariest movie blonde since Rosamund Pike’s terrifying performance in Gone Girl.

-The draugr fight[4] was exceedingly well-done, particularly the pan from skeleton-fighting-Amleth to “real” Amleth as he takes the sword from the throne.

-The sequences focusing on a cosmic Yggdrasil (the shit with the glowing tree in it) weren’t that great. Not that the CGI was bad – it’s just that the contrast between the Yggdrasil bits and the rest of the film (even the other hallucinatory scenes)’s grounded, realistic feel is a bit distracting. Not the end of the world, though.

-I was so scared someone would get their testes scalded during the climactic volcano duel. Can you imagine getting lava on your privates? I can, and it’s deeply unpleasant.

Rating: 9.5/10 (+0/-2)

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[1] …a twist that I won’t spoil. It’s not Shyamalanesque, but in this story that’s a good thing.

[2] Yeah, I know there’s a little doohickey over the “a” in “Skarsgard.” I just don’t give enough of a shit to figure out how to type it in, and you shouldn’t either.  He’s a good actor, but nobody’s that good.

[3] This doesn’t mean it’s bad! It just means it doesn’t have as much shit blowing up as, say, Avengers: Endgame.

[4] I think the sword was called Draugr, but aren’t the skeleton warriors also called draugr? Maybe I’m misremembering my Skyrim.