I’m still working on my reactions to the first three episodes of The Boys‘ third season (it’s pretty good), so I thought I’d treat my dedicated readers to some stuff I’d written earlier in the year but hadn’t gotten around to posting yet. You’re welcome.
Now, on to the review:
They didn’t animate buttholes on the monsters.
Score: 0/10
Kidding. What I thought of DSR – butthole absences notwithstanding – will take a few paragraphs to explain.
I feel like any Souls(like) review should start with a recap of the reviewer’s credentials. I played (and completed) Dark Souls 1 & 3, Bloodborne, and Sekiro before beginning Demon’s Souls Remake. I cheesed the hell out of a bunch of bosses in DS1 and Sekiro (and a couple in DSR, but we’ll get to that). So, I’m not a badass at these games, but I can work a fuckin’ wiki, and a lot of the time that’s enough.
For example: once I discovered the “Firestorm” spell, any semblance of difficulty went the way of the dodo. I was burning motherfuckers to the ground like an arsonist in a wood shop. To my credit, I didn’t use Firestorm against King Allant (a late-game boss who is, shall we say, a real pain in the fucking nutsack). I hung back and hit the bastard with so many poison gas spells I felt like I was crop dusting a field in one of those old-timey planes.
The overall gameplay is what you’d expect from a Souls title – hard as diamond nails, but fair and immensely rewarding. Its action-RPG design allows a lot of room for tailoring your character to a playstyle you like; you can be a glass-cannon spellcaster, a club-wielding Lou Ferrigno impersonator, a stealth-focused thief, or a mashup of almost anything in between. The controls are responsive and easy to pick up; you’ll rarely encounter a scenario where you die because of anything other than your own mistakes.
The online mechanics of DSR – of all Souls games, really – possess a level of nuance that deserves its own article. That said, a quick summation of the online features is as follows:
– you can interact with sigils placed by other players to summon them to your world to aid you (or place sigils of your own, if you’re feeling charitable). Jolly cooperation is the name of the game.[1]
– you can also join the ranks of the worst people since Hitler and invade other players’ games to plunder their…souls. Among other things.[2]
– messages from other players can be found littering the land beneath the player character’s feet. You can, of course, leave your own– but a lot of fun can be had in just reading and reacting to the missives left behind by other unfortunate souls, ranging from the humorous and helpful to the dastardly.
– the phantoms of other players will occasionally appear onscreen, running through their own adventures in their own worlds. This gives an odd sense of camaraderie – even if the other players aren’t present in your instance of the game, you have the small comfort of seeing, and knowing, that others have struggled through the same battles you’re facing now.
Now it’s time to whine about things that annoyed me. Skip down 3 paragraphs if you’ll get your panties in a twist about me criticizing your precious.
I feel duty-bound to observe that there are a few dozen too many narrow hallways in this game. These hallways almost always include one or more ranged spellcasters who are ready to eat your asshole for breakfast (and not in the fun way). These situations are all manageable with the liberal application of arrows to monster faces, but it kind of massacres the pacing. Call the whambulance, I know.
I know that the opacity of these games – both lore- and mechanics- wise – is a part of the appeal. I get it. Like you, I also was confused about why Bloodborne wanted me to eat chunks of umbilical cord (gross), but I did it anyway, and got to fight a secret boss (cool). No umbilical cords in Demon’s Souls, unless I missed something (entirely possible), but there’s such a thing as being too opaque.
Some rough edges are understandable– this is, after all, the proto-Souls title, and Bluepoint Games did a top-tier job of modernizing the game’s graphics while leaving in a bunch of the weird bullshit that makes Demon’s Souls what it is.
This is what I mean by ‘weird bullshit’:
– You have to explore some areas that could best be described as “Blighttown-adjacent,”[3] and the game doesn’t have a torch…or any other way to, you know, make things visible (besides cranking up the ol’ brightness settings)
– Gimmick boss battles that are really hit-or-miss. Dragon God? Please, Lord, not ever again. Old Monk? Interesting use of PvP mechanics.
– The upgrade system. There are so many different types of rocks to collect it’s like I need a fucking degree in geology to understand how to turn my Sword of Glorious Wanking into a Sword of Glorious Wanking +1.
– Irritating treks from checkpoints to boss encounters. It’s not that they’re challenging, just that they take a hot goddamn second. Seriously, you could’ve jerked off and felt bad about it in the time it takes to make some of these hikes.
– Those motherfucking dragons.
Occasionally-charming BS aside, this is a great way to experience a modern classic, assuming you have a high tolerance for getting one-shotted by dragons and a TV with flexible brightness settings. There are few things in gaming as satisfying as finally beating a boss who’s spent the last hour kicking you directly in the dick.
This is Demon’s Souls. Prepare to Die, a lot. But it’s fun when you don’t, and even when you do, sometimes!
(Real) Score: 8/10 (+1/-1)
[1] The name of the game is actually Demon’s Souls, but you know what I mean.
[2] This isn’t to say there aren’t places where invading other players is quite appropriate. You’ll know when you get there.
[3] If you haven’t heard of Blighttown, imagine the worst sewer system in the world, then make it both annoying and spooky. Also, you’re blind, and were just hit with a dozen poison darts.
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