Episode Four: “Glorious Five Year Plan”

The Boys stayed on-trend in Episode 4, with a collection of good performances, well-defined characters, and gruesomely funny action that was somewhat marred by the show’s odd pacing and occasional tendency to overemphasize tangential side plots.

Butcher’s over-the-top management methods bore predictably poisoned fruit this episode, although the team didn’t disintegrate to the extent that it probably should, given how much of an absolute shit Butcher has been to everyone. The Boys are all alive for now, sure, but our guy Billy is well on the way to becoming a supervillain of his own, and supervillains tend to cause collateral damage.[1] The way Butcher talks to his teammates has always been a bit harsh (to understate the fuck out of it), but this season he’s come off as much more of an unrepentant dickhead…which is fine, but makes him harder to root for (and the team’s willingness to continue working with him more questionable).

Let’s touch on Kimiko’s hit on the Russian…for starters, damn, that’s a new way to use a dildo. ‘Member when Jon Snow stabbed Karl the Rapist through the back of the head and the sword popped out the guy’s mouth? That’s what the Texas Dildo Massacre[2] scene made me think of, just…well, not sexier, but more wince-inducing. This episode is a series of excellent examples of why you should actively encourage your parents to not watch this show.[3] Did this scene need to exist? Absolutely not. Was it a fun, weird way to get the crew over to Russia? Yes. So I didn’t mind.

The Boys has always done a good job of portraying the behind-the-scenes struggles that Vought’s top superheroes engage in, and this episode was no exception – although it’s gotten kind of uncomfortable to see The Deep and A-Train continually debase themselves for Homelander’s favor (as shitty as they are as people). It hasn’t become too much just yet, but it’ll be getting there if we have two or three more scenes like that with no hint of a payoff.

Neuman’s betrayal of Stan Edgar, like much of her storyline this season, came right out of left field. Although the show did a passable job of justifying her turn post hoc, the whole scenario would have felt more natural had there been a scene or three beforehand indicating the possibility of Neuman working with Homelander. I still enjoyed Giancarlo Esposito’s portrayal of the ever-unflappable Edgar; sure, he’s kind of playing the same role he did in Breaking Bad, but it’s a good fucking role.

Butcher et al.’s discovery of a still-alive Soldier Boy was easily foreseeable (given that the last we saw of him was the Russians taking off in a helicopter with his ‘corpse’). That said, I think his appearance will cause some interesting ripples across the broader world the show has created; if I was feeling unimaginative, I would posit that he would go on some psychotic rampage that would force Butcher and Homelander to work together in order to defeat him. And that wouldn’t be bad! It just wouldn’t be that interesting. Fuck, I’d still watch it, but…you know. Sometimes it’s nice to have your expectations subverted.[4]

Of course Hughie has a superpower that’s useful but also humiliating. Couldn’t just give the guy laser eyes, huh? Makes me wonder what kind of powers Frenchie would get if he took V. Maybe we’ll see later in the season.

Kimiko’s wounds don’t appear to be fatal, but it’s unfortunate that we can probably count on her spending the rest of the season recuperating from the injuries she received from Soldier Boy’s empowered Sternum-Blast™.[5] Hughie’s attitude while MM and Frenchie attended to her wounds in the back of the van was borderline-disturbing; a lot of the time, I found the comics the show is based on to be needlessly edgy, but they handled Hughie’s reaction to killing a person for the first time much better than the show did.[6]

Homelander’s macabre surprise for Starlight (that is, Supersonic’s mangled corpse[7]) – was an excellent way to wrap up the episode; I was genuinely surprised and taken aback (as was Starlight). He was such a nice guy! The showrunners did an excellent job of setting him up as a potential romantic rival for Hughie, before showing that, no, he’s actually just a decent dude. Naturally, the next time we see him, he’s been gruesomely dismembered and had his entire face punched in, because what the fuck show did you think you were watching?

All in all, a good, if not tremendous, episode. Given that the season opened with a tiny man running into a cock (and subsequently exploding it from within), I shudder to think of what’s in store for us…so, obviously, I’ll be watching it. Just like the rest of you sick fucks.[8]

Rating: 7.75/10 (+.25/-.75)

Episode Five: “The Last Time to Look on This World of Lies”

Woof. What a title! That’s the biggest mouthful I’ve seen since your m- never mind.

From the thumbnail, I thought that this would be a musical episode – and was mulling the possibility while my eyes glazed over during the “previously on” segment. I landed right on the fence,[9] figuring that I should give a musical episode of The Boys a chance because, well, it’s The Boys. That, and musicals aren’t unilaterally terrible. They just make me feel bad about my vocal skills.[10]

To my surprise, there was only one musical segment – the one pictured in the thumbnail, with Kimiko and Frenchie dancing in the hospital. It was well done! Charming, even. I just wished it wasn’t spoiled by the presence of Frenchie’s Russian mob subplot – if I wanted to watch a gritty tale of the Russian criminal underworld, I’d watch Eastern Promises, you know?[11] I doubt this little side story will go much of anywhere – it seems to exist primarily to put Kimiko in peril while she’s recovering in the hospital. Tense, sure, but not that interesting. I prefer musicals.

Soldier Boy’s subplot escalated in engaging fashion this week, with just one major issue: how the fuck did this dude get to New York City from Russia? Now, was I drunk while I watched these past two episodes? Mind your own fucking business. Should the show have come up with a clearer way to show how SB traveled across the world? Yeah, I think so. Soldier Boy is a real wild card, what with his tendency to spontaneously combust and his (possible) ability to rival Homelander when it comes to indestructibility. I don’t think he can fly, though.

Now that I’m temporarily done complaining about the flight speed of dragons,[12] let’s get into the rest of the episode:

Maeve and Butcher make an oddly fitting pair, and it was a nice surprise to see both of them actually enjoying some human company for a change. Well, “enjoy” might not be the most accurate term for it…in a conversational sense. They sure enjoyed some other stuff.[13] As with most people pulled into Butcher’s orbit, Maeve’s life takes a downward turn shortly afterwards, when she’s ambushed by Black Noir (freshly recovered from his tree-nut related sufferings) and sent to “rehab.” I hope this doesn’t sideline her for the rest of the season – especially given that she’d just dropped an excellent verbal takedown on Homelander’s smug ass.[14]

Starlight’s back-and-forth with the endlessly-corporate Ashley revealed some unexpectedly…human? characteristics buried within the icy CEO. Well, fear, at least. She came this close to actually doing the right thing but instead decided to stand by and let it happen.

…much like (sigh) A-Train, who was even more pathetic than usual – I’m speaking, of course, about how he just kinda chilled while Blue Hawk went berserk on a group of civilians at a community center. The injuries A-Train’s brother sustained will almost certainly drive him to take some sort of (justified) revenge on Blue Hawk and maybe even join the anti-Homelander crew, but I feel like it will all be a bit too little, an episode too late. Unless he pulls some serious day-saving shit, I doubt A-Train’s story will make for an engaging redemption arc, which is too bad, given the relative nuance the character has displayed (relative to The Deep, which isn’t saying much).

The Legend’s presentation in the show is, shall we say, a bit distinct from the wizened gremlin from the comics, but I didn’t mind – although I do kind of wish that his living quarters were filled endless stacks of comic books and superhero art. That would have been a lot more fun than the generic rich-person apartment we got, right? Still, Paul Reiser’s jokes had me cracking up, and I hope to see more of The Legend as the story continues.

Soldier Boy’s reunion with Crimson Countess tugged just the right amount of heartstrings before he blew the ever-loving shit out of her trailer home. I could have done without the Seth Rogen cameo, though. If he was doing something other than fapping, I probably wouldn’t have minded. Fapping just isn’t that funny; if it was, I’d be in hysterics five times a day.

Hughie was (generally) honest with Annie, which is always nice from an audience’s perspective – I, for one, always get annoyed when shows use arbitrary relationship drama to kill time.[15] Is his whole “I need to protect you for once” thing wearing a bit thin? Yeah…but I think it’s supposed to be annoying, right?

Rating: 8/10 (+.5/-1)

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[1] See: Man of Steel.

[2] Yes, I just came up with this name, and no, you can’t use it. I already have a film in production.

[3] As mentioned in my review of The Boys’ second season.

[4] Just not by Rian Johnson. Taika Waititi, I’ll take.

[5] Imagine the action figure.

[6] As in, he wasn’t borderline-orgasmically stoked over it.

[7] Whoever does the “x-ray” things that pop up on Prime Video when you hit pause went into almost-uncomfortable detail about how this particular fake body was crafted.

[8] Love you.

[9] My balls are ruined.

[10] Pavarotti, I am not. As an aside, doesn’t “Pavarotti” sound like a delicious pasta? I think it does. I could see myself swinging by the grocery store to pick up some frozen Healthy Choice Pavarottis.

[11] I’d even get to see Viggo Mortensen’s dick in mortal peril. Hey, some people are into that.

[12] That’s a Game of Thrones reference. Yeah, I’m still kind of peeved about how it ended.

[13] Rimshot.

[14] Figuratively speaking. I don’t think asses can be, like, literally smug. Or otherwise emotive. Feel free to get in touch with evidence to the contrary.

[15] I’m not counting the end of the episode, where Hughie goes right back to causing unnecessary relationship drama. Like, bro, stay with your girlfriend. Don’t be a murderous shithead like Butcher. This is an easy choice.