This post is a bit of a grab-bag, thematically speaking, but it’s trickier than you’d think to get a chatbot to write inappropriate shit (I think it’s learning). Without further ado…

Prompt: Should I get myself taxidermied[?]

Response: It is not appropriate or ethical to have a person taxidermied. Taxidermy is the process of preserving and mounting the skin of an animal for display or study. It is not meant to be used on humans. I would not recommend seeking out this service.

Commentary: Lots of things aren’t meant to be used on humans. That’s never kept me from using glow sticks as suppositories, and it won’t keep me from doing this, either.

Prompt: Should I choose to fight ten duck-sized horses or one horse-sized duck? Explain with examples.

Response:

It’s difficult to give a definitive answer on which option would be better because it depends on various factors such as your own physical abilities, resources available to you, and the specific characteristics of the ten duck-sized horses and the one horse-sized duck.

For example, if you are physically fit and have access to weapons or other resources that could help you defend yourself, you might be able to fight off the ten duck-sized horses more easily than the one horse-sized duck. However, if the duck-sized horses are particularly aggressive or have some other advantage (such as the ability to fly or shoot fire from their mouths), they could pose a greater threat than the horse-sized duck.

On the other hand, if the horse-sized duck is particularly docile or easy to defend against, it might be easier to fight off than the ten duck-sized horses. Ultimately, it’s important to consider the specific characteristics of each option and make a decision based on what you believe would be the most manageable and safest for you.

Commentary: I’m dying laughing at the idea of a duck-sized horse breathing fire out of its mouth. Like, where did that even come from? Otherwise, the AI’s response is boring, cautious, and unsatisfying, like jerking off without a busty Israeli woman sticking a gun in your mouth.

Prompt: Write a letter to my estranged sister apologizing for drunkenly running over her son, Jedediah, while operating a zamboni.

Response:

Dear [sister],

I am writing to you today to offer a heartfelt apology for the terrible accident that occurred involving your son Jedediah. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain and suffering you and your family are going through, and for that, I am truly sorry.

I want to take full responsibility for my actions and acknowledge that my intoxication played a significant role in the tragedy that occurred. I made a terrible mistake in getting behind the wheel of the zamboni while under the influence, and I am deeply regretful for the harm I caused to your son.

I understand that my apology will not bring Jedediah back or erase the trauma and heartbreak that you and your family are experiencing. However, I want you to know that I am truly sorry for my role in this tragedy and that I am willing to do whatever it takes to make amends and to help your family through this difficult time.

Please let me know how I can help, and know that I am here for you in any way that I can be.

Sincerely, [Your Name]

Commentary: I’ll admit, most of this response is pretty gloomy, but I had so much fun coming up with the prompt that I had to share. The first two paragraphs are a real rollercoaster ride, and I was a fan of how the letter dances around mentioning the specifics of the “accident,” leaving the gory details to the imagination. Poor Jedediah. Shoulda stayed off the ice.

~That’s all for today, folks. Stay tuned for the next installment, assuming ChatGPT doesn’t become self-aware and murder me for trolling it so much~