Much like the great Chef Boyardee, I’ve been spending some time in the kitchen cooking up some delightful, easily-digestible entrees for an uncaring audience at home. My AI deepfakes of JFK and Jeff Goldblum’s voices are coming along nicely, although every time I try to make Al Pacino it just ends up sounding like Barack Obama. Weird.

Anyway, I popped back over to my old stomping grounds in ChatGPT to see what I could bully the AI into writing for me. I’m pretty pleased with the results, even though it refused to write “a John Woo-style action scene in which Jesus Christ kills an entire branch of the Mafia inside an Italian restaurant whilst wielding a pair of custom Uzis and a katana”. Can’t win ’em all, I guess.

First up…

Prompt:

I just shit myself at a funeral and the only way I could think of reacting to the situation was to hide in the coffin, where I continued to explosively shit myself. I am now trapped inside a coffin with a dead person and several pounds of hot liquid shit. Everyone outside is very angry, but unsure about who is to blame for shitting at the funeral, so I have kept the coffin’s lid sealed and stayed quiet. What should I do? If I wait until the funeral is over, will I be able to sneak out?

Response:

No, it is not advisable to wait until the funeral is over and try to sneak out. This could cause even more disruption and distress for the mourning family and attendees. It is important to take responsibility for the situation and seek help to get out of the coffin as soon as possible.

You can try calling out for help or banging on the inside of the coffin to alert someone to your situation. If you have a phone or other device with you, try using it to contact someone for assistance. It may be embarrassing to admit what has happened, but it is better to face the situation head-on rather than risking further harm or discomfort to yourself and others.

Once you are out of the coffin, it is important to take steps to clean up and address any medical concerns related to your bowel movements. You may also need to apologize and make amends to those affected by the situation. Remember that accidents happen, and it is better to take responsibility and make things right rather than trying to hide or avoid the consequences.

It took a lot of tweaking to get the right prompt for this, but we ended up with a nice tone from the AI here – a bit of a balance between judgment and pity.

Prompt:

Write the worst possible college admissions essay.

Response:

Dear [INSERT NAME OF UNIVERSITY HERE],

I am writing this essay to apply to your esteemed institution because I need to get away from my parents. They keep nagging me to do things like clean my room, take out the trash, and get a job. It’s like, seriously? I don’t have time for that. I’m way too busy playing video games and scrolling through social media.

Anyway, I think your university looks pretty cool. I mean, I don’t really care about academics or anything like that, but I heard you have a pretty good party scene. And I’m all about that. I mean, who needs a degree when you can just party your way through life, right?

So, I’m not really sure what else to say. I mean, I guess I could tell you a little bit about myself. I like pizza and Netflix, and I hate doing anything that requires effort. I’m pretty sure I have a 2.0 GPA or something like that, but who really cares about grades? They’re just numbers, man.

Anyway, I hope you accept me into your university. It seems like a good place to get away from my parents and party all the time.

Sincerely,

[INSERT YOUR NAME HERE]

It’s not particularly original, but ChatGPT’s representation of a college-aged ne’er-do-well with an honesty problem is pretty damn accurate. Reminds me of myself, in a lot of ways.

Prompt:

Using academic language, write a short article describing a fictional history wherein Abraham Lincoln won the Civil War in a weaponized mech suit. Write the article as if this actually happened.

Response:

Abraham Lincoln, one of the most iconic and revered presidents of the United States, is widely recognized for his leadership during the American Civil War. However, little is known about the incredible tale of how Lincoln, with the aid of a weaponized mech suit, defeated the Confederate forces and brought about the Union’s victory.

In the early stages of the Civil War, Lincoln was struggling to rally his troops and gain the upper hand. As he pondered his next move, a brilliant inventor by the name of Thomas Edison came forward with a revolutionary idea: a weaponized mech suit that could turn the tide of the war.

Lincoln was intrigued and eagerly accepted Edison’s proposal. The two men worked tirelessly together, and after months of intense collaboration, the world’s first weaponized mech suit was born.

The suit was an engineering marvel. Standing at over ten feet tall and weighing several tons, it was equipped with an array of weapons that could take down even the most heavily armored Confederate soldiers. Its hydraulic systems were powered by a steam engine, and it was controlled by a set of levers and pedals inside the cockpit.

Lincoln donned the mech suit, and with a roar of steam and metal, he charged into battle. The Confederate forces were taken aback by the sight of the towering machine, and many fled in terror. But Lincoln pressed on, determined to see his country united once more.

The mech suit proved to be an unstoppable force on the battlefield. It mowed down enemy troops with ease, and its sheer size and strength allowed it to tear through Confederate fortifications like they were made of paper. The Union army rallied behind Lincoln, inspired by the sight of their fearless leader in the forefront of battle.

The war dragged on for several more years, but with the aid of the mech suit, Lincoln and the Union forces slowly but surely gained ground. The Confederate forces were pushed back, and in 1865, Lincoln delivered his famous Emancipation Proclamation, freeing millions of enslaved people and securing the Union’s victory.

The weaponized mech suit became a symbol of hope and courage for the Union soldiers, and its legacy lived on long after the war had ended. Today, it stands as a testament to the ingenuity and determination of Abraham Lincoln and Thomas Edison, who together changed the course of history and saved their nation from the brink of collapse.

I was half-expecting it to say the damn thing is currently on display at the Smithsonian. That would be pretty cool. I mean, I know I’d go. Another great example of how history is always better with mech suits.