S TIER

Thunderball – I fucking love this title. Maybe because it makes me think of AC/DC’s “Thunderstruck,” the background track to one of my favorite drinking games. It also sounds like a euphemism for Pikachu’s ballsack.  

Octopussy – Objectively speaking, the best title in cinematic history.

A TIER

From Russia with Love – In Russian, the words for “love” and “domestic abuse” are the same thing. An edgy title…for the 60’s. And maybe also today. Not a lot of love coming out of Russia recently (and I’m sure as hell not sending any).

The Spy Who Loved Me – This one might not be particularly interesting, sure, but it captures the essence of Bond quite accurately: he’s a guy who fucks, and occasionally does spy stuff.

License to Kill – Blunt but effective, like a monkey wrench wielded by an actual monkey.

Casino Royale – At a casino, anything could happen…at a place named the Casino Royale, you know shit’s going to get wild. And, like, what’s James Bond doing at a casino? Playing mancala or something? Color me curious.

Spectre – Did you know that ‘Spectre’ is an acronym? It stands for “Special Executive for Counterintelligence, Terrorism, Revenge, and Extortion.” Only the baddest of hombres are considered for membership.

B TIER

Dr. No – Back in the day, Bond movies sometimes just used the bad guy’s name for the title. Fun fact: “Dr. No” is a complete sentence, which I said last time I visited the urologist.

Goldfinger – He’s the maaaan with the Midas touch…our first use of “gold” in a Bond title, and arguably the most plausible (when compared to guns and eyes). Also, the excited utterance of a prospector who’s itchin’ to hit the bordello.

Skyfall – A complete sentence, if you’re a caveman and also tripping on LSD. Otherwise, a generic but adequately action-ey sounding title.

The World Is Not Enough – This just makes me think of how good a Bond villain Elon Musk would be.  

C TIER

You Only Live Twice – Factually untrue.

The Man with the Golden Gun – Intriguing, but also…wouldn’t that gun, like, not work? Gold is a soft metal, according to my alchemist.

Moonraker – Makes me think of a lonely cosmonaut sifting dust on the moon. Weird, yes, but not exciting.

A View to a Kill – Shouldn’t it be a view “of” a kill? I’m going to not going to look it up and assume I’m right.

The Living Daylights – Sounds like a bad post-punk band name.

Goldeneye – Imagine if someone had a gold finger, a golden eye, and a golden gun? They wouldn’t be able to shoot anything.

Tomorrow Never Dies – I’ve heard more eloquent shit from friends who are having bad trips.

Die Another Day – How about tomorrow? Also, have you noticed how many of these titles involve death and the postponement thereof? It’s quite macabre.

D TIER

On Her Majesty’s Secret Service – We know what the guy’s fucking job is.

Diamonds Are Forever – What is this, Jared’s Galleria of Jewelry? Fuck outta here with this shit.

Live and Let Die – A lame, “ironic” twist on a tired turn of phrase.

For Your Eyes Only – Reminds me of spy documents, which makes me think of reading.

Never Say Never Again – Only a Sith deals in absolutes.

No Time to Die – You already said you’d do it another day, and we know it can’t be tomorrow…so maybe next week?

F TIER

Quantum of Solace – Hahahahahaha this is just dumb. That’s like the tiniest amount of solace.