Jim Theis’ classic fantasy novella The Eye of Argon was authored in 1970 and published in the Ozark Science Fiction Association’s fanzine OSFAN later that same year. The author was just 16 years of age when he released his masterwork upon an unsuspecting world – keep that in mind as we explore the intricacies of the piece.

A quick primer for the uninitiated: The Eye of Argon focuses on the adventures of Grignr, a barbarian character who could generously be described as “Conan-esque.”  The tale covers but one of Grignr’s adventures, wherein he confronts mercenaries, villainous nobles, evil cultists, and the titular Eye of Argon itself. This brief summary fails to do the piece justice, however: to really understand The Eye of Argon, you must immerse yourself in it. I recommend reading it in its glorious entirety here: https://ansible.uk/misc/eyeargon.html.

During my latest reading of Argon, I took the time to note the tale’s recurring thematic elements, which I shall endeavor to discuss below. I’ll do my best to explore the nuances of the story in the space I have here; that said, Argon is a work of such immense genius that a full analysis would fill thousands of pages. 

Allow me to break character (it’s exhausting): I feel like The Eye of Argon would be great in audiobook form, if listened to exclusively while powerlifting. Otherwise, it’s a real shitshow. Why else would I be writing about it?

Let’s discuss (in no particular order) what I’ve pinpointed as the work’s primary themes, each of which has been given its own section below.

INADVERTENT HOMOEROTICISM

If I had a quarter for every time a sweaty man calls another sweaty man a slut in this story, I’d have exactly one dollar. That alone makes Argon a tale worth reading: I mean, how often do you get to read a Conan story told with the vocabulary of a teenager without access to Urban Dictionary?

…or a regular dictionary, for that matter. The word “lustfully” is misused to such an extent that I want to file a complaint at the Hague on its behalf.[1]

At one point, Grignr has been thrown into a pit of stygian darkness (the author fucking loves the word “stygian”). Thankfully, Grignr has tactically stashed an improvised dagger under his…g-string? Theis (generally) demonstrates an impressive level of familiarity with fantasy armor – especially for a 16-year-old. Perhaps understandably, he exhibits less knowledge of the dimensions of hand-fashioned undergarments. Seems like the youth of America was going downhill as far back as the ‘70s. Back in granddad’s day, all g-strings were handmade by an elite guild of artisans, whose craft was passed down from generation to generation until Calvin Coolidge made it illegal via executive order.[2]

GRAPHIC VIOLENCE (AND SEX, KIND OF?)

In true sword-and-sandal style, Theis occasionally takes a break from abusing the word “lustfully” to present the reader with moments of brutal violence and an instance of what could generously be characterized as a “loose interpretation” of the act of coitus.

Like the priest said to the altarboy, let’s start with the coitus. Here’s how the scene goes down: Grignr “smothers” the lips of a “complying wench” with “the blazing touch of his flaming mouth.” He then “pull[s] her toward him, crushing her sagging nipples to his yearning chest,” with his “calloused hands caress[ing] her firm protruding busts.” Grignr proceeds to say, “you make love well wench” (absence of punctuation entirely the author’s). From this, the astute reader will realize that the author’s understanding of sex begins and ends with second base. Teenagers in the ’70s were so innocent.

The battle sequences are somewhat more coherent: Theis clearly paid attention to the bloody confrontations so present in his influences (particularly Robert E. Howard’s Conan stories), and does an impressive job of generally using words as they were intended. Sure, Grignr might come across as suspiciously horny after he kills a man, but at least the killing itself was plausible.

THE SINCEREST FORM OF FLATTERY

You know those bottom-shelf straight-to-DVD movies that are knockoffs of famous properties with really similar names? (Transmorphers, for example.) The Eye of Argon is the Fast and Fierce to Conan’s The Fast & the Furious. I do not mean this as a compliment.[3]

This is particularly apparent when one examines the nomenclature of the setting’s geographic locations, a trainwreck of consonants that would sound more at home coming out of a malfunctioning vacuum cleaner. The Norgolian city of Gorzam is straight out of an unimaginative yet inspired teenager’s first homebrew D&D campaign…which, I suppose, is close to what Argon is.

I’m still going to shit on it, though. After all, it’s not my fault that Jim Theis decided to write a story and put it out there for the whole world to see.[4] He could have at least given his Conan ripoff some original traits: Grignr could be the victim of a botched circumcision, or suffer from Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Instead, he’s just Conan, but less cool. After all, Conan fucks. Grignr just gets to second base.

BUTCHERY OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE

Remember how I said Theis probably didn’t have the most regular access to a dictionary? What he did have on deck was a book of goddamn adjectives with all the definitions removed.

The following sentence, lifted word-for-word from the text, is demonstrative: “With a nauseating thud the severed oval toppled to the floor, as the segregated torso of Grignr’s bovine antagonist swayed, then collapsed in a pool of swirled crimson.”

Contrary to what one might think, Grignr was not, in the scene above, in the process of violently decapitating a cow. This is, in fact, how the “sex” scene covered above ends, with Grignr unceremoniously disposing of a guard who interrupts his liaison with the “compliant wench”. Naturally, Grignr then calls the dead guy a slut, and is almost immediately dragged away by the comrades of his now-deceased “bovine antagonist”. Grignr’s nigh-instantaneous surrender to the guards is out of character, sure, but a guy’s gotta move the story along somehow.

Back to the author’s word choice, if you can call it that. Now that I’m thinking about it, word “choice” might be an inaccurate way of putting it; after all, the phrase implies that someone chose words to use instead of picking them seemingly at random. How else could any piece of writing end up including such grotesqueries as, “her stringy orchid twines of hair sway[ed] gracefully over the lithe opaque nose”? Every page presents appalling new crimes against the dictionary, and I’m playing the role of helpless UN observer. It’s just a lot funnier than Hotel Rwanda.[5]

Don’t let me leave you with the impression that Argon’s only linguistic mishaps occur through the (mis)application of words: the piece contains a truly dizzying array of grammatical errata, with more missing punctuation than Ulysses. If anything, this lends the narrative a certain je ne sais quoi, especially when it is being read aloud amongst a group of trusted confidantes…but it doesn’t make it good.

TELLING, NOT SHOWING

As mentioned above, Theis was by no means ignorant of descriptive terminology commonly used in fantasy works; the problem is that he either grossly misused said terms or used way too fucking many of them.

Reading through The Eye of Argon is like doing battle with a Hydra made out of run-on sentences: just when you’ve finished with one, another rears its head. The primary cause of this linguistic monstrosity is undoubtedly Theis’ fondness for visual description, especially when it comes to the attire of Grignr’s soon-to-be-dead foes. I’m feeling merciful today, so I’ll just hit you with one example. *deep breath*

“Adorning the torso’s [sic] of both of the sentries were thin yet sturdy hauberks, the breatplates [sic] of which were woven of tightly hemmed twines of reinforced silver braiding. Cupping the soldiers’ feet were thick leather sandals, wound about their shins to two inches below their knees. Wrapped about their waists were wide satin girdles, with slender bladed poniards dangling loosely from them, the hilts of which featured scarlet encrusted gems. Resting upon the manes of their heads, and reaching midway to their brows were smooth copper morions. Spiraling the lower portion of the helmet were short, up-curved silver spikes, while a golden hump spired from the top of each basinet. Beneath their chins, wound around their necks, and draping their clad shoulders dangled regal purple satin cloaks, which flowed midway to the soldiers [sic] feet.”

• [All errors the author’s. As in Jim Theis (RIP), not me. As you know, I don’t make mistakes unless they’re deliberate.]

You know that feeling you felt while you read that? I mean before your eyes glassed over. It felt like you were watching paint dry, right? But, like, if the paint was words. Because I didn’t know what they meant until I googled them, I was impressed by presence of the words “poniard” and “morion” (it turns out they’re even used correctly!). This does not, however, forgive the absolute travesty of the entire paragraph they’re entombed in. It’s the written equivalent of a sack of fried pig feet: you can get through the whole thing in one sitting, but you feel tired and vaguely ashamed afterward, as if you’ve made yourself dumber solely through the act of consumption.

Beyond his intricate characterizations of various pieces of armor, a specific segment of The Eye of Argon stands out as particularly emblematic of Theis’ florid descriptive style: his introduction of what is, essentially, a pressure-plate-operated version of that spike trap Rambo made in First Blood. You know, you trigger the trap through whatever mechanism and it releases a big branch with spikes on it that whips up and impales you. See how easy that was to explain? Theis spends (approximately) three and a half fucking paragraphs describing it. I get that he couldn’t make First Blood references without breaking the audience’s immersion (any more than it was already), but still…there has to be an easier way to emphasize that the trap is going to be important later on than taking a third of a page to spell out the materials it’s made with.

UPCOMING

I think that takes us through the thematic foundations of The Eye of Argon. In Part II of this analysis,[6] I’ll engage in a more granular examination of Argon’s plot, from Grignr’s initial battle with the Simarian soldiers (or are they Ecordians?) through his mind-bending showdown with the Eye of Argon. Get stoked…bro.

---

[1] For example: “Grignr was led along a stone pathway bordered by plush vegitation [sic] lustfully enhanced by the moon’s shimmering rays.”

[2] Fuckin’ communist.

[3] Even though DMX stars in Fast and Fierce: Death Race, and I wouldn’t dare besmirch his work.

[4] Says the guy who’s been working on his first novel since before the birth of Christ.

[5] For the record, Hotel Rwanda is obviously not funny. Don Cheadle’s great, though.

[6] If I ever get my ass in gear and write it.