This contest is going to be organized a bit differently than the last[1] because I’ve made the executive decision to break the discussion into arbitrary categories – you may not know this, but Socrates used the same technique to pad out classroom time. I’ll assign a winner to each category and tally them up at the end to see which show comes out on top. Which of these two zeitgeist-wrangling high-budget fantasy prequels is better? Read on to find out…

Cast & Characters:

It’s pretty telling that I could only remember the names of two characters in Rings of Power (Nori and…Arondir? Fuck, let’s call it one and a half.) On the other hand, I can rattle off most of HBO’s latest crop of Fantasy Habsburgs faster than a liquid shit. Let’s delve a bit deeper, shall we?

House of the Dragon:

It’s been interesting to note the absence of clear-cut heroes and villains in House of the Dragon’s first episodes. Not that everyone wears morally-vague shades of grey – for example, Otto Hightower is a bit of a sleaze and Daemon Targaryen can, on occasion, be a titanic douche. The show never lingers on these characteristics enough to paint anyone as an outright villain[2], however – in just a scene, you’ll go from frowning as Daemon beats up an innocent messenger to cheering as he bisects a motherfucker with his sword and drags the guy’s torso out of a cave.

The story does, indeed, focus on the Targaryen family, but they’re not the only faces present, and the supporting cast do a uniformly good job at portraying those in the royals’ orbit. Unfortunately, not everyone gets to drag torsos out of caves, and I wish that characters like Alicent Hightower and Corlys Velaryon would get some more screentime (or, at least, more impact on the core story).

Despite his continuously subpar decision-making, I’ve found myself becoming increasingly fond of King Viserys as we’ve spend more time with him and his collection of intricate miniatures. Rhaenyra (who has filled the role of pseudo-main character thus far) is likeable and realistically impetuous, although I wish she’d be nicer to Alicent. Just don’t think about how she fucked your dad, dude! That’s how I came around on Angela Merkel.[3]

Daemon, as noted above, is a mixed bag morally-speaking, but is portrayed with such charisma and, dare I say it, swagger, that he’s impossible to hate. Good stuff all around! I sure hope nothing horrific happens to any of these folks…

The Rings of Power:

I say this respectfully: Galadriel, who’s essentially the main character, is a fucking prick. This woman would be a nightmare to sit next to on a long flight. You know she’d have a problem with the pretzels.

Who else have we got? Nori, the hobbit knockoff, whose actor is fine, wields the most plaintive Irish accent since the Potato Famine, but I can’t bring myself to bring a single fuck about her story arc or the culture of the (sigh) “Harfoots” (think Hobbits, but shitty). Elrond is similarly acceptable, although his best moments were courtesy of his rapport with the dwarf king (his name’s Durin, right?).

It’s not all bad, of course – the dwarves are a lot of fun, and I hope to see them again in future episodes. Arondir is pretty badass (didja see what he did to that warg? And in slow motion, too!); his status as an elf living amongst humans makes him a sympathetic figure, and I’m hoping that he survives his “staycation” with the ditch-digging horde of orcs. Halbrand (had to look that one up) is entertainingly clever and provides a good foil for Galadriel, but Galadriel’s an asshole, which makes me wish Halbrand would ditch her and find someone more fun to hang out with.

Winner: House of the Dragon, no contest. If Galadriel weren’t such a bell-end it’d be a lot closer.

Script & Story:

They’re both prequels, which makes the dramatic stakes somewhat lower than they were in the preceding works (one is an all-time fantasy classic, and the other is Game of Thrones). That means that smaller character moments and plot beats have to carry a lot of weight. First up…

House of the Dragon:

Palace intrigue! Jousting! More palace intrigue! Childbirth-related mishaps! Suspect medical treatments! House of the Dragon might get a quick win in “Middle Ages Bingo,” but it has surprises in store – the most surprising of which is its ability to engage even the most jaded of viewers (me) with strong characters and a plot that’s building slowly but confidently up to a big-ass explosion of fire and blood[4].

The time difference between HotD and Thrones hits the Goldilocks zone: if it were set further from the time period we’re already familiar with, we’d miss out on a lot of the familiarity that makes HotD so easy to settle into. Conversely, if it were set closer in time to Thrones, the plot would lack urgency – after all, we already know House Targaryen is driven from the throne during Robert’s Rebellion (then some other stuff happens. Long story.) As is, we know the Targaryens will end this story on the throne – but whose ass will be warming the seat remains very much up in the air.

All this skullduggery and political maneuvering provides the backdrop – and impetus for – quieter moments that build up (or tear down) the characters’ relationships in believable ways. There haven’t been any of Thrones’ trademark shocking deaths so far, but it’s early yet. Just wait for Episode 9; that’s when the heads always started rolling back in the Good Old Days[5].

The Rings of Power:

I’m having a hard time thinking of a way to describe the story of The Rings of Power in a way that isn’t “a prequel to The Lord of the Rings that isn’t The Hobbit. No, not The Silmarillion. It’s a TV show, and the plot’s not very engaging.”

The timeline somehow manages to miss the Goldilocks zone (detailed above) in not one direction, but both. This astounding feat of metaphysical wizardry is due to 1) the fact that the entire story already got narrated to us in the first five minutes of The Fellowship of the Ring, 2) We’ve seen exactly what happens to, like, half of the cast, and 3) the threat of Sauron is so all-encompassing and inevitable that it doesn’t leave a lot of room in the script for smaller, more character-centric stories.

One last thing: some of the lines in this show are clumsy. Here’s a tip: anytime an elf starts talking about boats, find something else to do for fifteen seconds, because they’re about to say some stupid shit.

Winner: House of the Dragon, even though we know it ends in tears (and Game of Thrones’ eighth season).

Sets & Costumes:

House of the Dragon:

Not a lot has changed since Game of Thrones…which is weird, because House of the Dragon is set ~170 years before the beginning of Thrones’ story. The most visible difference between the two shows is the appearance of the Iron Throne – which, oddly enough, has a bunch more swords sticking out of it now. Unfortunately, this looks like someone just kind of poured a bunch of half-melted swords down the stairs around the throne itself, which is fucking stupid.

The sets range from the picturesque to the nightmarish, but I can’t help feeling like I’ve seen it all before…most likely because I have, when Game of Thrones used pretty much all the same shit. I can’t knock House of the Dragon too hard for this – after all, HotD and Thrones share a number of primary settings – but I wish there’d been a bit more time spent on distinguishing HotD’s sets and costumes in order to underline the difference in time periods.

The Rings of Power:

Rings of Power brings much of the fantastic geography of Middle-Earth (and neighboring environs) to screen for the first time. Now, I read the Lord of the Rings trilogy when I was younger, and watch the movies at least once a year[6], but I would by no means count myself as an expert on Tolkien’s works – even calling myself a “Tolkien fan” feels wrong somehow, as if my lack of memorized minutiae renders me unworthy of the mantle. I’ll settle for calling myself a “Tolkien appreciator.” Since I’m viewing the show from a (relatively) uninformed perspective, I can enjoy the gorgeous vistas without having to wrestle with the mental dissonance of seeing beloved locations being visually misrepresented.

The costumes remind me of the movie trilogy’s, in a good way – regal when appropriate, comfortable and lived-in (or crusty and gross) otherwise. Special shoutout to the costumes for the orcs; you can imagine how the ones portrayed in Rings of Power evolved into the villains of the movie trilogy.  That’s how you do prequel outfits.

Winner: The Rings of Power, because $750 million has got to buy you something.

Soundtrack & Effects:

House of the Dragon:

The soundtrack is essentially “Game of Thrones but maybe played a little slower,” which works fine for me. If it had the exact same theme song it’d stir up too many bad memories. As is, the intro sequence/music makes one think of a slower-paced relative of GoT, which, come to think of it, is pretty much what HotD is.

I’ve got no complaints re: the dragons. They’ve been flying around burning shit like we wanted, after all, and they sport some neat visual design (for example, Caraxes’ unique tail fins).

Oh, and the gore is fuckin’ gnarly. No surprise there.

The Rings of Power:

I couldn’t even tell you what the show’s music sounds like, which I suppose makes it “unintrusive”. There are worse things in the world (brain parasites, for example).

On a more positive note, the makeup and prosthetic work done on the orcs (and, to a lesser extent, the dwarves) is excellent. The melanistically-challenged orcs we see in Rings of Power make for suitably monstrous foes, and I’m forecasting further monster sightings as the show goes on.[7]

Winner: Draw. I may come back and revise my opinion as both shows progress to bigger and bolder set pieces, but as is, they both have meh soundtracks and better-than-average effects.

Direction:

Just some bullet points for this one – what do you think I am, a film critic? I don’t know jack or shit about this stuff.

House of the Dragon:

• The battle sequence in Episode 3 was both easy to follow and satisfyingly brutal, despite the relatively low stakes (we all knew the Crabfeeder was toast, right?).

• The scene in the premiere that cut between the Queen[8] giving birth and the carnage of the tourney grounds was well done but also made me wince. If I wanted to see childbirth I’d hang out at a maternity ward! I’m here for the fucking jousts. The Renaissance Faire only comes arounde once a yeare.

• The progression of time over the show’s course so far has been handled with a level of subtlety that I really liked; House of the Dragon doesn’t beat us over the head with big intertitles reading “THREE YEARS LATER”; it trusts us to put things together from context (like how many chair-inflicted stab wounds ol’ Viserys is sporting[9]).

The Rings of Power:

• That glimpse of a huge battle between elves and orcs in the premiere reminded me of the opening of The Fellowship of the Ring, much to my joy. Too bad we didn’t get to see more of it.

• The dwarven city of Moria is shot nicely; it feels both imposing and (somewhat) welcoming.

• New Zealand is pretty.

Winner: House of the Dragon, by virtue of having more memorably directed moments. So far Rings of Power doesn’t have any standout scenes like Daemon’s charge on the Stepstones or Viserys’ awkward spearing of a deer during the royal hunt.  

Miscellaneous:

House of the Dragon:

 HBO comes in hot in the premiere, with graphic violence, bangin’, dragons, royal inbreeding, and oh yeah, a dude gets his dick hacked off. Not cool, HBO. Not cool. (I mean the dick-chopping. The other shit’s pretty par for the course.)

The Rings of Power:

I’m wondering if the writers are trying to make Galadriel so unlikeable on purpose. Even if she has a big turn later and becomes, you know, Galadriel (from the movies), her attitude in the first few episodes will still leave a bad taste in my mouth.

Winner: The Rings of Power, because nobody’s dick gets hacked off (on-screen. I wouldn’t put it past Galadriel to do some choppin’ on the side).

Overall Winner: House of the Dragon, with a total of three wins (compared The Rings of Power’s two and the draw on “Soundtrack & Effects”). A month ago, this would have come as a big surprise to me – my level of anticipation for HotD could charitably be characterized as “tepid” – but I’ve really come to enjoy (if not adore) the show as it’s progressed. In contrast, The Rings of Power looked interesting (and appropriately high-budget) in the months leading up to its release, but the first three episodes have given me the unfortunate impression that it may wind up being remembered as the most uncalled-for television adaptation since the Muppets reenacted the Nuremberg trials[10].

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[1] Terminal List vs. The Gray Man, available at: https://scrubreport.com/2022/08/12/comparison-time-the-gray-man-netflix-the-terminal-list-prime-video/

[2] Except the Crabfeeder.

[3] She fucked your dad, too.

[4] Had to.

[5] Specifically, Seasons 1-6 of Game of Thrones.

[6] Not The Hobbit, though. Never The Hobbit.

[7] There was a troll in the first episode, but it wasn’t that memorable. Fingers crossed for some Fell Beasts.

[8] Whose name I forget.

[9] And who’s pregnant.

[10] “But Elmo, saying you were just following orders is no excuse for your monstrous crimes!” (Fun fact: Cookie Monster was hanged for his participation in a number of massacres.)