Well, it’s a new year, which means that everyone is cranking out listicles about what they did and didn’t like over the past twelve months. I’ve tried to put a little spin on things by focusing on game features that I liked (and disliked), as opposed to full titles themselves (although one or two of those snuck in there). Without further ado…
Some things I liked last year, for lack of a better section heading:
–Splatoon 3’s multiplayer gameplay loop:
When it’s working (see the second list below), Splatoon 3’s online multiplayer does a phenomenal job of giving you a nudge into playing the proverbial “one more match.” Whether you’re unlocking new weapons or new hats, the game’s always waiting just around the corner with some cool shit to check out, like some kind of bizarro-world mugger.
-Fighting off hordes of goons in Sifu:
Not that Sifu’s bosses were bad, but I recall finding at least two of them annoying to fight. In contrast, going up against gangs of henchmen was always a great time, with the game mixing up enemy types, camera angles, and environments in a way that feels elegant, brutal, and even occasionally artistic.
–Elden Ring’s sense of discovery and adventure:
A game world hasn’t felt this big and mysterious since I first played Ocarina of Time on a friend’s N64. Sure, Elden Ring’s various biomes are less welcoming than anything you’ll find in Hyrule, but the game still does a glorious job of encouraging a sense of adventure. It’s a world where the horizon constantly beckons, even though whatever’s over there probably wants to kill you.
-Causing continent-spanning debacles in Crusader Kings III:
Due to my lack of a gaming PC, I was unable to dip my toes into Crusader Kings’ murky waters until the title’s release on console last year. I subsequently spent far too much time trying to do the tutorial while drunk, lost patience, said “fuck it,” and proceeded to wreak havoc across the medieval world with a horrifying lack of regard for the consequences. I was history’s greatest terror, and I don’t mean that in a Genghis Khan kind of way: I was like a crack-addled bull in a china shop where everything’s red. I started an assassination plot, forgot about it, and befriended the target before throwing up on him at a banquet – or maybe he threw up on me?[1] I imprisoned numerous toddlers. At one point, my pregnant mistress fended off a trio of assassins sent by my also-pregnant wife…to kill me, for having so many mistresses. It was like an ouroboros of philandering and murder, and I loved every bit of it.
–Vampire Survivors’ dopamine-factory gameplay:
Look at all the shinies! The 30-minutes-or-less process of transforming your initially-feeble character into a freewheeling magical lawnmower is the most satisfying half-hour you’ll have outside the last 30 times you had sex. Does it have a story, or character development, or a third dimension? Fuck no. Does it need them? Also, fuck no.
–Chivalry II’s commendation feature:
I’ve previously covered this in its own article[2], so suffice it to say that I was more than happy to pay my respects to a player that beat me to death with a fish…even if he teabagged my body afterward.
–Inscryption’s spooky atmosphere:
Reminds me of the last time I got trapped in a woodland cabin playing card games with a murderer. Summer camp was wild.
…and here’s some shit that I wish stayed in the universe’s colon in 2022:
–Dying Light 2, in general:
My enjoyment of the first Dying Light – and the fact that I’m a glutton for punishment – caused me to sink far too much time (that is, more than ten minutes) into this Sisyphean ordeal of a video game. Thinking about it makes me wince like I sat on a thumbtack.
–Splatoon 3’s online connectivity issues (which aren’t as bad now, in my experience):
A COMMUNICATION ERROR HAS OCCURRED.
–Halo Infinite’s Live Service model:
Dear God, where to begin? Look up “misallocation of resources” in the dictionary and you’ll see a picture of current Halo developer 343 Industries’ logo. 343’s ill-advised focus on Battle Pass-driven “Live Service” content (complete with boring cosmetics and tedious challenges) meant that Halo Infinite’s multiplayer suite had about as much meat on its bones as a whale in Japanese waters. The development team’s fixation on aping Fortnite’s moneymaking model caused the rest of their product to suffer tremendously – as is apparent in the sparsity of new multiplayer maps and the cancellation of the long-promised split-screen campaign mode.
-Wrangling with Horizon Forbidden West’s upgrade system:
I already wrote about how much this overwrought upgrade “system” chapped my ass[3] but it still gets a mention here by virtue of how memorably frustrating it was to engage with. The upgrade process is an unneeded time-waster in a title that could’ve better focused its attentions elsewhere. If you don’t engage with the upgrades, you’ll be underpowered against mid-to-late-game enemies…which turns combat into a clumsy battle of attrition, like World War I with robot dinosaurs. Wait, scratch that; that idea actually sounds pretty fun.
–The Callisto Protocol’s repeated miniboss (singular):
I fought this two-headed bastard four times within the span of four hours. It was the bad kind of boring every single time. I’ll admit, Round 4 wasn’t as irritating as the previous encounters, but that’s because I had an assault rifle, and the other guy had…fists.
-Not being able to fire the Death Star superlaser in Lego Star Wars:
I mean, what the fuck? I save up enough studs to run a horse farm in order to afford the Death Star, and you’re telling me I’m not allowed to reduce rebellious planets to space rubble? Maybe the game engine can’t render a planet’s worth of bricks detonating at once…or maybe the developers need to get their fuckin’ priorities straight.
[1] My characters tended to be alcoholics, for some reason.
[2] Available here:
[3] Available here:
Leave a Reply