Half-assed apologies from game development studios have become almost par for the course these days – it feels like every other title that gets released comes along with a “We’re Sorry” note (or video) posted by the relevant studio on their twitter account after the negative reviews start to roll in. These digital vomit-pools (the apologies, not the reviews, in this instance) tend to be formulaic in the extreme, which make them prime candidates for a run through the ol’ chatbot. Other than cutting a number of repetitive sentences in the interest of length, I didn’t edit any of ChatGPT’s writing – I think it did an impressive job of balancing deflections of specific criticisms with mealymouthed corporate-speak and outright disdain for the paying customer.

First up – The Lord of the Rings: Gollum.

We, the team at Daedalic, reluctantly extend an apology to the gaming community for our recent release of The Lord of the Rings: Gollum. We acknowledge that the game shipped with glaring audiovisual issues, dull gameplay, and a plethora of other problems. However, we want to make it clear that this situation is not entirely our fault, as the true purpose of this project was, in fact, a money-laundering operation.

We recognize that the game’s release was riddled with audiovisual issues, uninteresting gameplay, and a host of other problems. These shortcomings were intentional, as we were more focused on carrying out our money-laundering operation than delivering a quality game. We deeply regret that our illegal activities impacted your gaming experience.

Moving forward, we have no intention of improving the game or addressing the issues it presents. Our focus remains solely on exploiting the project for illicit purposes. We have no remorse for the impact this has had on the gaming community, and we offer no assurances of better practices in the future.

Once again, we reluctantly apologize for the release of The Lord of the Rings: Gollum. We understand your disappointment and frustration, even if we lack any genuine remorse. We appreciate your unwitting participation in our money-laundering operation.

…and the apology actually released by the studio:

Here’s another, inspired by Blizzard’s decision to cancel much of the planned PvE content for Overwatch 2.

We, the team at Blizzard, reluctantly extend our apologies to the gaming community for our recent decision to cancel the Player-vs-Environment (PvE) component of Overwatch 2. We acknowledge that this announcement has caused disappointment, and we regret any frustration it may have caused. We understand that our initial promise to deliver a PvE experience was misleading, as we never had any intentions of fulfilling that commitment.

We admit that we intentionally misled you by presenting the PvE component as a vital part of Overwatch 2, while internally, we had no intention of delivering it. Our focus has shifted primarily to the Live-Service side of the game, where we are excited to develop an extensive range of cosmetic options. We hope that these cosmetic additions will distract you from the absence of the promised PvE experience.

While we understand that cosmetic options may not fully compensate for the loss of the PvE component, we ask that you divert your attention to the shiny new items we are developing. These additions will allow you to customize your heroes’ appearances and may temporarily distract you from the fact that we deceived you regarding the PvE aspect.

We have no genuine remorse for our actions, as our priority lies in prioritizing the Live-Service side of Overwatch 2. We offer no assurance of improved communication or transparency, as we have proven ourselves untrustworthy in this regard.

We would like to thank you for your continued support, despite our deceitful practices. We hope that our cosmetic offerings will provide a temporary respite from the dissatisfaction caused by the cancellation of the PvE component. We have no intention of learning from this experience or rebuilding your trust, as our main concern is maintaining our profit margins.

Thank you for your understanding, or lack thereof.

Blizzard’s discussion of the issue came in video form, and I’m not transcribing the damn thing, but rest assured that it was full of more horseshit than a glue factory.

Next, an apology from Arkane Studios for the magnificent trainwreck that is Redfall:

We, the team at Arkane, begrudgingly extend our insincere apologies for the underwhelming release of our highly anticipated game, Redfall. We are well aware that our studio has gained recognition for crafting immersive settings, varied gameplay, and captivating art direction. However, we made the audacious decision to deviate from these conventional features and replace them with a suite of revolutionary software bugs. Why, you may ask? Well, it’s because we consider ourselves to be far superior to our consumers and believe we know what you want more than you do.

As game developers, we occasionally find ourselves elevated to a level of brilliance that transcends the common understanding of what makes a game enjoyable. In the case of Redfall, we boldly thought we could surpass the expectations of our dedicated community by presenting them with a truly cutting-edge experience, one that defies the limitations of traditional gameplay, immersive settings, and interesting art direction. Instead, we chose to shower you with an array of groundbreaking bugs that we believed would enlighten and revolutionize your gaming experience.

Our partially committed team is begrudgingly working to patch the game, with the hope that you can consistently experience the wonders of our groundbreaking bugs. We understand that actions may carry more weight than words, and we begrudgingly commit ourselves to deliver on the promises we insincerely made when you initially embarked on this unfortunate journey with us.

We didn’t get a written apology for this one, either, but Xbox head Phil Spencer did a better job discussing the debacle than Blizzard, whose presentation felt like a shell game where the shells were all turds, and the prize was also a turd.

Finally, an apology from Respawn Entertainment for the abysmal PC performance that dogged Star Wars: Jedi: Survivor.

Dear Players,

We reluctantly extend our apology for the subpar PC performance experienced while playing our highly anticipated title, Star Wars: Jedi: Survivor. We understand that this has caused frustration and inconvenience, and for that, we offer our insincere apologies.

Throughout the development process of Star Wars: Jedi: Survivor, we were faced with a number of challenges. In an act of great courage, we decided to prioritize the polishing of the console versions of the game, knowing that they tend to generate higher sales compared to PC. Unfortunately, this decision came at the expense of the PC version, which received insufficient attention and resources.

To be perfectly honest, computers are complicated creatures that often leave us feeling bewildered and scared. Our team, being somewhat intimidated by the complexity of PC systems, opted to prioritize the more familiar territory of consoles. This was a regrettable oversight on our part, and we offer our insincere apologies to all our PC players who were eagerly anticipating a seamless gaming experience.

Please rest assured that we are now reluctantly working on addressing the performance issues through future patches and updates. Our team of developers, despite their apprehension, is begrudgingly committed to rectifying the problems and optimizing the PC version to a somewhat satisfactory level.

As a token of our reluctant apology, we would like to offer a half-hearted gift to our PC players—an exclusive in-game cosmetic item that may or may not make up for our lackluster performance. We understand that it may not truly compensate for the disappointment caused, but it’s the best we can reluctantly offer at this time.

May the Force begrudgingly be with you.

Sincerely,

The Respawn Team

And, if you’re curious, here’s the actual apology for comparison: