Modern Godzilla movies are a real grab bag: sometimes you get something that’s slow-paced but observant, like Shin Godzilla; sometimes, you end up with an absolute roaring dumpster fire like Godzilla (1998)…and every once in a while, you end up with a triumph like Godzilla Minus One. So, what makes one of these movies good, and what makes them shitty?

I’m applying some arbitrary limitations to the scope of this article – I haven’t seen that many of the older Toho monster films (apart from the original Godzilla and one or two of the extremely-weird ‘70’s ones). I decided to focus on “modern” Godzilla movies – the ones I watched, at least – to make this somewhat more manageable.

Anyway. Let’s see which traits are helpful (and which are not-so-helpful) in making a modern Godzilla movie.

Helpful:

1) Shots that emphasize the size of the monster(s).

Example: Godzilla Minus One

I was supremely impressed with the sheer scale Godzilla Minus One wrang out of its relatively modest $15 million budget. Tokyo really took a beating there – and in 1947, no less! How unsporting.

2) Unique fighting moves. This one’s kind of cheating a bit, but it’s in a Godzilla movie, and it’s fucking tight.

Example: Godzilla x Kong

Kong uses a little Kong (identified in the subtitles as “mini Kong”) as a set of living nunchaku while fighting what can best be described as diseased, rancid versions of Lanky Kong. Incredible.

2(a) Sub-point: over-the-top finishers.

Example: Godzilla (2014)

Godzilla giving a MUTO the kiss of death is diabolical.

3) Unique evolution of classic creature design.

Example: Shin Godzilla

This thing was a freak. The way it grew and, uh, evolved during the course of the movie was gnarly and tension-inducing – you never really knew what kind of fucked-up shit this satanic tadpole was going to turn into next.

4) The destruction of a large urban area via monster stomping.

Examples: I mean…pretty much all of them.

Sometimes I just lie in bed and dream of the day I can dress up in a monster suit and stomp around a miniature version of Tokyo while shouting “DOOSH DOOSH DOOSH” as my colossal frame smashes through rows of tiny office buildings.

5) Tactful use of the monster as a metaphor for modern issues.

Example: Shin Godzilla

I mean, sure, this movie has more time-wasting meetings than a homeowners’ association, I think that’s kind of the point.

6) MechaGodzilla, in general. I will support all appearances of MechaGodzilla (I’m sure this statement won’t come back to haunt me).

Example: Godzilla vs. Kong

Godzilla vs. Kong features quite the brawl between the titular monsters and a diabolical mecha version of our favorite nuclear lizard. The fight itself is forgettable, although Kong’s supercharged axe bears mentioning…and, more importantly, MechaGodzilla is delightfully over-the-top.

7) Reasonable use of human characters whose stories intersect with the monster’s in believable ways.

Example: Godzilla Minus One

Godzilla Minus One’s core group of characters were extremely engaging, and their “interactions” with the titular creature were plausible and tense.

Not-so-helpful:

1) A child who’s the key to everything.

Example: Godzilla vs. Kong

Good lord am I tired of this plot point. These are giant monsters! They don’t give a shit about children! They shouldn’t, anyway.

2) Overuse of signature moves (i.e. Godzilla’s atomic breath).

Example: Godzilla x Kong

Godzilla should use his atomic breath no more than three times in a film – ideally no more than twice. He blasts it out like he’s got nuclear halitosis in Godzilla x Kong. (I’ll admit the instance linked here is pretty neat.)

3) The movie trying to portray Godzilla/Kong as a “protector.”

Examples: Godzilla vs. Kong/Godzilla x Kong/Godzilla: King of the Monsters

As noted above: these are giant monsters...and yet the nice folks at kaiju-monitoring organization Monarch are saying Godzilla is a “protector” while he’s tombstone piledriving a tentacled monster through the Vatican.

4) Overlong fights between monsters (doesn’t happen often, but it happens).

Example: Godzilla vs. Kong

The first fight between the headliners – a brawl on an aircraft carrier – was exciting, if a bit one-sided. The second fight dragged on until all the building-smashing blended together (which it shouldn’t!).

5) Weird jabs at Siskel & Ebert.

Example: Godzilla (1998)

Petty, but not the funny kind.

6) Too much focus on human characters working with the monsters.

Examples: Godzilla x Kong, Godzilla vs. Kong, Godzilla: King of the Monsters

Related to the points above about children who are the key to everything and Godzilla being a “protector” – several of these movies seem to really want us to focus on the human characters, and how they’re trying to work with Godzilla and/or Kong. Sure, I enjoy seeing Kong with a giant mechanical gauntlet as much as the next moviegoer, but…these creatures are forces of destruction! It makes for jarring viewing when the main characters are trying to work with the monsters – that’s like teaming up with a tidal wave to fight an earthquake. Maybe you can try to minimize the damage they cause, but having them serve as defenders of the globe is a biiiiit much.

Bonus Ranking of the modern Godzilla movies that I’ve actually seen:

Godzilla Minus One

Godzilla (2014)

Shin Godzilla

Godzilla vs. Kong

Godzilla x Kong

Godzilla: King of the Monsters

Godzilla (1998)