Let’s dig in, shall we?

Revew: Turkey (the Bird)

It’s a mediocre bird in almost all senses.

It’s a near-tasteless, dry, uninspired meat – that’s why the pilgrims felt the need to shove croutons up its ass. At least stuffing makes turkey interesting.

These motherfuckers drown in rainstorms because they don’t know to stop looking up (turkeys, not pilgrims). Evolutionarily, that’s a big downside, and it causes me to look upon the turkey with not-inconsiderable disdain. Eating them almost doesn’t feel sporting.

Consider this: you’re at the deli. What are you choosing last? That’s right, the motherfucking turkey. When I go to a sub shop, I’m never hankering for a turkey sub. Not a single person on God’s green earth has ever ordered a turkey sub and said, “and make it snappy!”

Turkey is the dry tofu of birds. It saps the moisture out of your mouth; you feel like the bird is punishing you from beyond the grave. If I were the president, not only would I refuse to pardon the turkey, but I would have it executed via guillotine.

Anyway.

I’m giving turkey a slight boost in rating because you can, at least, give it a pilgrim-style salad-ingredient suppository to improve the taste.

Rating: 3.5/10 (+3.5/-0)

>Includes “Stuffing Bonus” of +1.75

(Partial) Review: Black Myth: Wukong (PS5/PC)

It’s the monkey king game! Walloping your way through Chinese mythology with a big-ass stick has never looked so good.

I’m quite close to finishing Black Myth: Wukong, (that is, I’ve reached the final boss of the story mode), but I’m insisting on beating the “secret” boss [SPOILERS] Erlang, the Sacred Divinity…but he’s been kicking my ass harder than Erich “Butterbean” Esch fighting my pet donkey with his hands tied behind his back. If I had to guess why I’m having trouble, it’s because Wukong (despite its flexible upgrade system) doesn’t allow for quite as many cheesy, boss-melting builds as a game like Elden Ring. This isn’t a judgment on either title – just a tepid excuse for why I haven’t finished Wukong yet.

My reflexes have slowed since my Bloodborne-playing days, and I never even tried that game’s DLC to begin with. Dodge-spamming, which was my friend, is now my foe, especially with someone like the secret boss, who adores pre-attack windups longer than FDR’s presidency.

Optional endgame boss roadblock aside, I’ve quite enjoyed my time with Wukong. The combat is fluid, the graphics and art direction are impressive, and there have been very few bosses that felt unbalanced (truly impressive, for a game that focuses so much on boss fights). I admit to not paying a ton of attention to the story, but that’s not the game’s fault so much as my pathetic attention span. There is a cool warthog(?) dude who gives sage advice and wields a rake in combat. One time you turn miniature and do a boss fight inside his stomach. You go, warthog dude.

(Partial) Review: Silent Hill 2 (Remake) (PS5)

I’m partway through Silent Hill 2 (the remake, that is) – I’ve reached Brookhaven Hospital during my search for protagonist James’ dead-but-still-mailing-letters wife and, I’m not going to lie, this game is scary as shit. I’ve found that I enjoy survival horror games (Resident Evil) and am too much of a wuss to make it through most straight-up horror games (Outlast). Silent Hill 2 leans more into straight-up horror territory more than I expected – but it doesn’t jump in all the way. This means that I’ve been making my way through it veeeeery slowly, jumping at shadows and generally making an ass of myself whilst being bludgeoned to death by mannequins and undead nurses with giant, vibrating heads.

Look, it’s scarier than it sounds, alright? Most of the time, that is. Sometimes you’re having James stick his hand into a toilet – not for any particular reason, but because the game says you can and there’s not much else to be done in that particular bathroom. This kind of, uh, “lateral thinking” extends to much of the game’s puzzle design – which would be pretty irritating, save for the fact (as numerous other reviewers have accurately pointed out) that it fits in quite well with the nightmarish vibes of the town of Silent Hill itself.

I’d be remiss to not mention the game’s sound design – when I say it’s incredible, I mean it. The soundtrack is beautiful and haunting, the monsters’ inhuman cries are suitably nightmare-inducing…and, good god, the first time my PS5 controller starts blaring an old-timey radio crackle to indicate the presence of nearby enemies, I just about shit myself out of my skin.

This isn’t to say the visuals are lacking, by any means – these are some of the best-looking puddles I’ve ever seen. What I really appreciate are the small details, like grime collecting under the player character’s fingernails as you progress through the game.

My general lack of patience drives my general lack of enthusiasm for Metroidvania-style titles – not through any fault of those games themselves, mind you – and I feel that Silent Hill 2 (the remake, that is – recall that I haven’t played the original) leans into this kind of level design for its “dungeons” (hellish apartment complexes, haunted hospitals, you get the idea). It makes me curious about the pacing of the original Silent Hill 2 – after I finally find the cojones to finish the remake, I’d very much like to check it out.

(Partial) Review: Call of Duty: Black Ops 6

I hadn’t played a Call of Duty game since Cold War (or maybe Vanguard?) but I thought I’d enjoy the spoils of Microsoft’s acquisition of Activision and check out Black Ops 6 on Game Pass. Honestly, I’m glad I did (although I have yet to complete the campaign or “finish” either level of the Zombies mode). I have, however, played the ever-loving shit out of the multiplayer. Not that I’m any good at it, mind.

To my untrained eye, the weapons seem decently balanced, permitting for tons of attachments-based tweaking without letting player customizations get too out-of-hand. The game provides lots of wiggle room in how you want to design your custom loadouts – although the perks feel less impactful this time around (are they really, though? Or am I just a dumbass? Discuss in the comments).

One of the first things I noticed was how seamless it was to join up with friends – smoother than covering yourself in lard and absolutely sending it down the nearest Slip’n’Slide.

Unsurprisingly, there are lots of game modes to dabble in, ranging from Team Deathmatch to King-of-the-Hill variants like Hardpoint and Domination to shit that I’m bad at, like Kill Confirmed. They’re all quick, easily-digestible bursts of high-speed violence – like if John Woo had a TikTok account (does he?).

I briefly mentioned the Zombies mode earlier, and I feel the need to touch upon it again, given its prominence in the game’s menu. Now, I don’t dislike CoD’s Zombies modes as much as, say, turkey (the bird), but I am singularly terrible at them, and, generally speaking, don’t find them as engaging in a moment-to-moment sense as the PvP side of multiplayer. That said, if you’re into this kind of thing, there’s a good amount on offer, with two large, multilayered maps to fight through and a weirdly deep level of loadout options.

Things aren’t all sunshine and handjobs, though. The multiplayer maps aren’t particularly inspired – none stand out as extremely good or extremely bad. If I’m going to keep picking nits, I’d say that it feels like the game doesn’t really start serving up an interesting variety of guns until you’re in the 30’s, level-wise. This would be more of a problem if the starting guns weren’t all a lot of fun. Still, it’s something to keep in mind going in.

To me, though, these gripes are balanced out by the ease of playing with friends, the variety of modes and customization options on offer, and that noise the game makes when you nail a headshot and the reticle goes red. If you’ve got Game Pass, I’d recommend giving it a try.

(Quick) Review: The Penguin (Max)

Colin Farrell manages to shine even under a clown car’s worth of prosthetics. It is, oddly enough, easy to compare Farrell’s comics-inspired villain to Tony Soprano, but that’s doing a disservice to both characters – sure, they’re both criminally-inclined, overweight Italian men with mommy issues, but that’s about where the similarities end.

Side characters – like the lovable Victor and the sympathetic Sophia – don’t quite steal the show, but they don’t need to – their rapport (or enmity) with Oz is hyper-engaging, even when very little is actually happening on-screen. Small moments – a pat on the shoulder, a quick nod in a fraught situation – say a lot, and the show respects its audience enough to let these moments breathe without calling unwarranted attention to them.

Batman (The Batman?) casts less of a shadow over the show than I’d anticipated. If I remember correctly, the only overt nod to him was in the final episode, and it didn’t come across as fan-servicey, more as connective tissue between the show and whatever the second “The Batman” movie is titled. (That last sentence sounded snarkier than I intended – I quite liked the first “The Batman” and look forward to the sequel.)

You should watch The Penguin. I don’t watch a ton of TV shows, but when I do, I like it when they’re this good.

Rating: 9.5/10 (+.25/-.75)

(Quick) Review: Gundam: Requiem for Vengeance (Netflix)

Man, that title is both overwrought and aggressively dumbass. No me gusta.

What I do like are the intricately-detailed, impeccably-animated mobile suit battles – my only complaint here was the predictable end of most engagements: the titular Gundam (cast as the antagonist here) absolutely annihilating a squad of Zakus (the cyclopean mechs piloted by traditional Gundam antagonists the Principality of Zeon) before being kept from executing the protagonist by the timely arrival of Zeon reinforcements. The second time this happens, it’s funny. By the fourth time, it’s still funny, but in a sad kind of way, like a clown being run over by a Zamboni.

The end of the main character’s arc also, to be blunt, doesn’t make a lot of sense. This might’ve been a translation issue, but it’s something to be aware of going into it. Really weird last-minute tonal shift on this one.  

It’s a quick watch, so if you’re willing to put aside some nonsensical character development I’d recommend giving it a try.

Rating: 6.5/10 (+.75/-1.5)