Tag: Humor
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The Joys of Playing Helldivers II While Drunk
I’ve always wondered what my life expectancy would have been as one of the extras in Starship Troopers. Would I have made it to one of the co-ed shower scenes, or been rent in twain by a bug creature that was probably just trying to defend its home? The answer is a profound “no” to…
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Tier List: Months of the Year
S Tier: April: I like rain, and April is rainy. Also, winter is over, which means I can go outside without wearing more layers than an onion. Thus, S Tier. May: Pleasant, agreeable, and non-threatening: May is the Mister Rogers of months. Enough said. September: Kind of like an inverse, bizarro-world April, minus the rain.…
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The Malicious Chinchilla, Pt. 3
Brutus and I, having survived our first few months living together at college, moved to the D.C. suburbs for the summer. I grew up in the area, but staying at my parents’ house was out of the question – my father made it very clear that “The Vermin” was not welcome in his establishment.…
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Life’s a Food Fight: The Existential Max Keeble
It’s generally undisputed that Max Keeble’s Big Move is a kids’ movie. It’s got all the hallmarks: crotch kicks, a mischievous chimpanzee, a sadistic middle school principal, the fat Josh Peck, and a relatable ostrich-riding preteen hero with a master plan to save the day. By most standards, it’s pure, unapologetic Disney schlock. Something to…
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The Malicious Chinchilla, Pt. 2
We left off with my new chinchilla, having already demonstrated a somewhat malevolent streak, freshly installed under the bed in my dorm room and ready to wreak havoc. In less than a week, my friends had organized a death pool regarding how long Brutus would last in his new environment; the longest bet was two…
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Throwback Article: The Definitive List of Pranks
(To Alienate Your Friends and Loved Ones) 1) “The Parrot Pretext.” This is a classic gag. Use a birthday as an excuse to purchase a parrot for the target of your prank, and train said parrot to repeat problematic phrases at inopportune times. This is one of my favorites because it’s an intergenerational method of…
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The Malicious Chinchilla, Pt. 1
I’ve often been asked to share my Malicious Chinchilla trilogy in an easily-accessible, modern format. Since I’m a great guy, here you go. Enjoy, and say “thank you” to Brutus. On a blustery Tuesday in March of 2014, I was returning to my undergraduate campus from a quick trip to Joe Canal’s Discount Liquor Outlet…
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The Joys of Playing LA Noire While Drunk
I have a confession to make: I never finished LA Noire, Rockstar’s 2011 open-world(ish) detect-‘em-up. This places it in an elite category alongside the likes of 2017’s Prey – that is, titles that I feel mildly guilty for not finishing. I can’t recall exactly why I stopped playing Noire in the first place; it might…
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Throwback Article: The Definitive Guide to Time Management Skills
An old, but amusing, humor piece I wrote for the student newspaper back in law school during the early days of COVID. Enjoy. Everyone’s schedule has taken a hit recently – but that doesn’t mean that you can’t still manage your time effectively! Here, in no particular order, I’ve compiled some helpful advice for organizing…