“The phonk is the alpha and the omega, the beginning and the end. The phonk was here before you, and it shall be here when you are gone. When all of us are but dust and ash, blown on a dead wind beneath a dead sky, only the phonk shall remain.”

-Mahatma Gandhi, probably[1]

            “Phonk” is defined by Urban Dictionary as, “An underground style of hip-hop/trap music directly inspired by 90s Memphis rap, mostly present on soundcloud as trill style beats with old funk and nostalgic samples, often accompanied by vocals from old Memphis rap tapes. The dark lyrics from these tapes with funk and modern trap creates a contrast which is aesthetically pleasing to the 90s and 2000 kids. The music is brightened and modernized by producer between the age of 16 and 22, thanks to these funky, jazzy sounds mixed with vocals from Triple Six Mafia, DJ Paul, DJ Patt, and many more.”

            I much prefer my own characterization of the phenomenon: I’d define ‘phonk’ as “songs that start with somebody shouting (usually in a foreign language), followed by a nasty bass drop.” As a special bonus, my definition understands how grammar works.

            This is, objectively, fantastic. I don’t need to know what the dude is shouting in Japanese, just that it makes me want to pull out a pair of swords and get back on the path of the ronin. Shit makes me want to get on one of those lightcycles from Tron and do wheelies on the wrong side of the highway.

            It’s not just me: my chinchilla, Brutus, has also come to appreciate the throbbing rhythms of phonk, and can often be found bobbing his head to the beat whilst crafting improvised weapons and writing blackmail letters.[2]

            This shit is phat with a capital F. I’m telling you, if we’d been playing phonk out of our helicopters in Vietnam, we would have won – no question. It’s elevator music for people whose balls have dropped. It makes you feel like Grave Digger at a monster truck rally. Hell, in my ideal world, the only music on offer would be phonk, Weird Al Yankovic and the national anthem. (Note to self: search for ‘Star Spangled Banner phonk remix’.)

            Numerous clinical trials have demonstrated a link between the consumption of phonk and success in a variety of fields and activities[3], including but not limited to:

– long-distance sailboat races

– the exploration of forbidden tombs

– snake handling

– the act of coitus

– following the Way of the Blade

            Anyway, now that you’re (presumably) down with the phonk train, you might be wondering where the nearest station is (that is, generally speaking, the best way to board trains). Let me hit you with some recommendations. First up are a couple of my favorites: DVRST and Demxxxn Slayer (I have only a vague idea of how to pronounce these).

DVRST:

Close Eyes:

Dream Space:

SHE IS HYPERACTIVE (no I don’t know why it’s in all caps):

Demxxxn Slayer:

Toxic Kiss:

Heavenly Conquest:

Sadness:

…but, if you’re looking for longer mixes, I’ve got a few to get you started:

“BEST PHONK HOUSE MIX”:

“Phonk Music 2023 * Aggressive Drift Phonk”:

“Phonk music make me fight till the end” [sic]:

Be sure to like/subscribe to the ones you enjoy! The folks who put out these songs & mixes do really good work. Extra props to D E M X X X N (small channels with great music are 100% my bag, and not just because it feels exclusive).

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[1] Side note: Gandhi, as it turns out, was kind of a lousy guy in several respects. Sources: Lots. I dunno, look it up yourself. You’re an adult.

[2] In case you were wondering, he specializes in crossbows and throwing knives. I think he’s been forging a pair of sais recently, but can’t swear to it.

[3] This is a lie.